Quote #3

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
– Erica Jong

 

This has been a common theme for me over the last decade or so.  At one time I asked for a lot of advice.  I used to ask for advice about almost everything.  I did, that is, until I realized one day that I didn’t need to hear any of the advice I was asking for.  I already knew what I had to do, but I didn’t want to do it.

Over the years I developed and grew, feeding off the rich wisdom of my parents.  Several years ago people began asking me for advice on occasion (for no apparent reason) and I actually knew what to tell them.  I quickly came to the realization again that advice is rarely sought in the actual absence of knowing what to do.

These days, when pressed for advice, I keep in mind that the person asking usually knows exactly what she has to do but doesn’t want to do it without getting moral support and hearing what she already knows coming from me as her friend.  Some times we just don’t want to do the right thing alone, we need to hear that someone else is encouraging us to do the right thing as well.  In reality, we should be able to do what we know to be right without hearing it from someone else.

I suppose, in some abstract way, we are hoping that by asking for advice we can bring our friend with us on the same emotional journey through which we are passing.  They hear about our plight, they consider the situation and come up with the solution with us, so it’s like we’re not alone.

It’s funny because we humans usually have a hard time holding back that we know the answer to a complex problem.  We are proud of our wisdom and knowledge, so we usually jump at the opportunity to share when we know the answer.  When it comes to our own problems though, we suddenly become experts at feigning ignorance.

As the advice giver, I now apply this principle when dealing with a friend asking for advice.  I withold that I know an answer until after I have extracted from him that he knows what he needs to do.  My advice, then, becomes encouragement to do what he knows he needs to do.  I refuse to tell someone something they came to me knowing.